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 Both Hubby and I are depressed....

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J B
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PostSubject: Both Hubby and I are depressed....   Tue Apr 14, 2009 1:05 am

It started before i gave birth, i did not have the connection with my baby inside of me as i had always dreamed of. I enjoyed the movements but i could not communicate with my unborn child. Now that he is born i still cannot communicate with him.

When i was pregnant, i carried small and all everybody kept on telling me was just how small i was and i think this is where my inadequacy started. My in laws kept saying how big they were and how small i was and eventually i just kept telling everybody else how small i was... he was born a mere 2.99kg and i felt like i was eating healthy with two big meals a day with a normal bowl of breakfast a day. What was i doing wrong that my child was not big enough for the world....

I had a very calm pregnancy, until the last week , hubby always said he preferred me being pregnant as i was a nicer person...The day before i was wheeled into theater i cried my eyes out and fought with my husband, i was petrified of the unknown...

I kept crying even after they brought me my son, they put him in front of me, but my horrible thought was how could i have created such an ugly child with such a big nose. Most mothers say how beautiful their child is and all i could say was how ugly mine was... I tried to bond with my baby but i could not, i felt inadequate as my husband was the perfect "mom" all he needed was breasts... all i was good for was feeding, changing nappies... I did not neglect Jordan but i did not give him my full attention i would prefer to sit on the internet as he would sit quietly in his mobile chair. He is a real good baby who does not cry unless i take too long with his bottle or take it out of his mouth.. i have however read in two magazines that a content baby is a depressed baby and that just makes me feel worse......I would never harm him or neglect him. It has been three months now and i still feel so depressed and it is getting worse now as i have passed it onto my husband and he too has now become depressed. i have always tried to pretend as if nothing was wrong and that i was coping as i did not want anybody to see what and how i was really feeling. People must of thought i am not a natural mom as i was so nervous around them when it came to attending to Jordan, i felt dumb and useless. I would just pass him onto my husband and he would save the moment.... i cannot play with or be silly with Jordan..... since my hubbys depression things just feel like it is getting deeper into a black hole that i cannot crawl out of. But one thing for sure we would not let this interfere with taking care of our son. But just this evening my husband said he was thinking bad things and this just scared me. I assume it was about taking his own life not ours as he thinks i am adequate enough to look after our son. Yet for me it is the other way around....At the moment things are bad for him business wise and he feels inadequate to support his family. I had a scare in December and thought the company i work for would close but things turned out good for now.... He does not talk to me about his finances but i am assuming things are bad for him now as he cant even pay for stuff and always uses the excuse of he left his wallet at home, which i have now come to realize the situation is worse than i thought. i have tried asking him about it but he shuts down.

I feel ugly and fat, i needed to go and buy a dress today to go to a wedding next sat in a bigger size than my normal size so that just freaked me out and put me in one of my mood swings.... I have started drinking and i am not sure if it is a problem yet, i still can attend to my child, i do not pass out or anything but feel the need to have a glass of wine.... I went to see a nose surgeon on Thursday as i feel my nose is too big and he turned me away telling me i dont need the surgery, so i am going to another doctor..... what is wrong with me and why cant i snap out of this hole i am in, i feel it getting deeper and i did try the common depressive tablets which made me worse. i stopped breast feeding at 2 months and i know how much my husband wanted me to carry on so i tried those dep tabs but like i said it made me even more depressed so i stopped it immediately.

Will this hole ever close up and disappear....
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