Baby is 5 months and I'm not feeling better

I thought I had severe depression but after reading some of the other ladies stories, mind doesn’t sound so bad. I do however feel that I urgently need to seek professional help as I can not go on like this. My feelings towards motherhood and having babies are so negative and I don’t want it to influence the rest of my life. I am afraid that I will always feel that I love my baby out of duty and not out of love and that raising her is an effort and not a pleasure. This is my first baby and like I am feeling now my last. She is 5 months old and the feelings are not changing over time as I have hoped. I went to my GP when she was 3.5 month old and he put me on anti-depressants, but after a month I did not feel any changes so I stopped taking them. As long as I can remember I wanted to be a mommy of many babies and since she was one week old it has just not been the experience anyone can hope for. She is healthy and I have had no complications so you would think there to be no reason for having these feelings, but I just can’t explain them. I do love my baby, I just feel trapped and that I have lost all of me and will never find it back. I sometimes wish I never had her and then feel bad for thinking it. What if this feelings gets absorbed by my baby. How can I find a counselor or psychologist in my area that specializes in women’s health?

i feel the same way. it scares me that im not over it. my baby is 4.5 months old already! it may not be the answer but what i have done is gone back to work. this way i dont have to face my problems or my baby 24 hours a day. when im at work, i miss him, and i feel like i should be with him, i do love him.... i think. im also so scared that everyone around me is so so tired of me and my pnd, that im never gona get over it. i feel like i have no support from my family. i mean REAL support. i need someone to stay with me at home. when i have someone with me im more calm. i dont feel so traped, i feel like there is someone to help me, talk to ... sounds crazy i know

i feel the same way. it scares me that im not over it. my baby is 4.5 months old already! it may not be the answer but what i have done is gone back to work. this way i dont have to face my problems or my baby 24 hours a day. when im at work, i miss him, and i feel like i should be with him, i do love him.... i think. im also so scared that everyone around me is so so tired of me and my pnd, that im never gona get over it. i feel like i have no support from my family. i mean REAL support. i need someone to stay with me at home. when i have someone with me im more calm. i dont feel so traped, i feel like there is someone to help me, talk to ... sounds crazy i know